When I was a kid I used to ask my mum, often, if she was mad. One, I was worried about life and any emotion other than "really happy" had to mean something bad. Two, stuff really was kinda unsettled and the fact that she was grappling with something was clear. Being 'not her', I only had what I knew to choose from. So, I'd ask. Somedays, I'd ask a lot. She'd say no, she wasn't mad, again and again, and again, until she almost was, and so I figured, in all of my non-wisdom, that she was doing that grown-up thing called "withholding pertinent information(aka, stuff kids want to know). And so I'd...you've got it...ask one more time, certain that that'd be the time she'd finally crack and tell me SOMETHING. But, instead, she'd just look at me and tell me that it was just her face, a face that was tired, fairly "whelmed"(because not every stress is OVER, just a lot), a face that was trying to figure "it" out, and...a face that was old. Old. Sometimes, she'd cry on that last one. I'd catch her, occasionally, looking in the mirror, smoothing her wrinkles out, and sighing the deepest sighs, ones that seemed like they came straight from her heart. wedding reception dress for bride
I never got it, I thought that it was all pretty silly, to be honest...I mean, she was MOM. The Mumz. Mama. Whatever the rest of all that meant was...whatever.
Fast forward, present day. Mum's been gone almost 20 yrs now, so she never got to see me at this age that I am now, which is right about the same age that she was when all this questioning of mine was going on. I wish she could be here, and I wish we could laugh, and cry, and hug, over my old face that still looks so much like hers. I wish I could tell her that I've had to say those exact words to people, many times in the past 2 years, that she said to me, and I wish that I could apologize for not being able to understand why it bothered her, and why she cried. I'd even tell her that I've done the same thing in the mirror, and sighed that same sigh. I think she'd get a bit of a chuckle out of it.
Then I'd buy her a coffee, because holy moly, she'd love all these coffee stands.